trust
it hardly seems possible, but it seems that i have gone without sugar since sunday afternoon @ 3pm. that makes it, let's see...115 hours since i had even one drop of sugar or caffeine. and, you know what? i survived. i didn't even turn into kendra-zilla. life continued, friends still called and those little hershey kisses are still in my night stand in the event of a hormonal emergency.
on the flipside of that, i also didn't turn into a stick-thin model figure with a dynamite body. how i hate that it takes so many months, so many years to undo the damage to my body.
it's interesting, weaning yourself from an addiction of food. it's interesting to view food as fuel, and not as comfort or a substitute (oh, so sad) husband. i have continued to eat, with marked enthusiasm, this week even when i am not hungry... just because i am scared that i will soon get hungry. and then, what should happen? what if i become ravenous and find that there is no food anywhere on the planet? best to just eat right now - this could be my last meal.
nonsense, it all is.
but it's real, and i feel it... and i fear it. i fear the feeling of hunger. i fear the next binge. i fear getting the next piece of bad news and not turning to chocolate. i fear being left alone, in the house, with a craving... and having nothing to sustain it.
i suppose this is where i begin to trust myself. how could i trust myself before, when i couldn't contain myself in a moment of weakness, when it really counted? isn't this plan "to be free" going to train me to be a better woman? better person? better parent? better employee? better friend? if i'm not constantly consumed by self, constantly consumed by self-hating, self-disappointed thoughts... then isn't it true that i shall improve - that i shall rise up out of self-pity and begin to trust me, love me... trust others, love others?
so hooray for small victories.
no sugar
no caffeine
no eating after 7:30pm
the real test begins this weekend as the social-me kicks in and demands to be fed & coddled.
on the flipside of that, i also didn't turn into a stick-thin model figure with a dynamite body. how i hate that it takes so many months, so many years to undo the damage to my body.
it's interesting, weaning yourself from an addiction of food. it's interesting to view food as fuel, and not as comfort or a substitute (oh, so sad) husband. i have continued to eat, with marked enthusiasm, this week even when i am not hungry... just because i am scared that i will soon get hungry. and then, what should happen? what if i become ravenous and find that there is no food anywhere on the planet? best to just eat right now - this could be my last meal.
nonsense, it all is.
but it's real, and i feel it... and i fear it. i fear the feeling of hunger. i fear the next binge. i fear getting the next piece of bad news and not turning to chocolate. i fear being left alone, in the house, with a craving... and having nothing to sustain it.
i suppose this is where i begin to trust myself. how could i trust myself before, when i couldn't contain myself in a moment of weakness, when it really counted? isn't this plan "to be free" going to train me to be a better woman? better person? better parent? better employee? better friend? if i'm not constantly consumed by self, constantly consumed by self-hating, self-disappointed thoughts... then isn't it true that i shall improve - that i shall rise up out of self-pity and begin to trust me, love me... trust others, love others?
so hooray for small victories.
no sugar
no caffeine
no eating after 7:30pm
the real test begins this weekend as the social-me kicks in and demands to be fed & coddled.
