fat. too fat. layers of protection covering the woman i am inside, insulating me from heartbreak and really experiencing life.

i have to make a choice – will i choose to be impenetrable or will i choose to shed these outer layers, preparing myself to love?

unbelievably powerful fear that i am not who i was created to be. how can god, who gave me all of this beauty, love me after what i’ve done to myself?

i want a knight in shining armor to bust through this fortress of fat & see me, see my appeal, but what would that prove? would that prove that he is brave? that his love is not conditional upon my appearance? that i was worth fighting for? do i not think that god has that for me, regardless of my shape and size? who am i to challenge this?

i am tired of fighting this battle.
i choose to live.
i choose to love.
i choose to dream.